Sunday, February 23, 2014

I've changed my blog url (AGAIN... Do bear with me hehe) to
I am abandoning this site so.. TOODLE-DOOOOOO~!

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Typing this from my desk at work hehe.. It's the second last day of work for me so no one is bothering to give me anything.
Since I have nothing to do and I have gone through 50 pages of thoughtcatalog over the past two days, I shall instead embark on the new project I'd meant to embark on a few weeks ago!
Start a new blog! :D

Switching blogs for 2 reasons:
1. this url.. is.. kinda lame..
2. new chapter of life, new 'diary', and hopefully new 'tone'. (:
3. dayre is so simple >D No html blabla, no designing blabla to deal with. It's not like i'm a professional blogger, so I've decided that I truly don't care if my blog looks pretty or not.

ADIOS amigos. ...
Let's hope I actually blog there, instead of leaving it to rot for months? :P

OH and if anyone is on dayre tell me~! I want to follow people but I don't really know who's on dayre. Other than xiaxue. :P Haha!

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Eurrrrghh heck the new blog.
Too troublesome.

Anyhoo - i'm currently typing this from an Oxford dorm WHEE!!!! ^^ Very exciting :D

I'm here in Christchurch for an interview.
At first I thought to just hush hush and not say anything to anyone cos yknow it'd be a bit embarrassing(?) if i didn't get in and everyone knew i came all the way here for an interview.
But I've decided ahhh what the heck it's been such a mad experience and I'm just so happy my mum decided that she wanted us to come. Regardless of the result, I'm still going to be glad I got to have  alittle taste of what it's like to be in Oxford. (:

My interview is in two days. Right now it's Monday night here, and my interview is on Wednesday morning.

Pretty nervous... Especially after seeing the number of people applying for Law in Christchurch.
And that's not to mention the Skype interviews.
But oh well. Just gonna do my best, and leave it all up to God (:

I'd love it if I could come to Christchurch - oh man the place is just beautiful. There is the harry potter staircase of course, which I always get a bit excited about walking on :P
And the quadrangles are just so nice..
I love it!!!
If i get allocated another college eventually (if i eventually get in) I'll be a little sad :P
My mum was saying she was disappointed too though, when she got St. Hughs. But in the end she still loved it there :D And she's still keeping in touch w her tutors after all these years!!
That's where we've been staying for the past few days, before i came to Christchurch - at her tutor's house.
He was awesome :D Really hospitable, stuffed us full with food and everything.

Yeah this whole experience thus far has really been very great. :D Not like a normal holiday at all.

Feeling really self-conscious though..
One of the few Asians here. That's definitely a little weird.
I'm hoping that I never get to experience any racism here, which some English supposedly exhibit, according to my new friend from HK. xD
Yeahhh so far I've just been awkward anyway. :P Only talked to the HK girl cos she came up to me first xD
Thank God for that otherwise i would have been poking at my food at the dining hall all night, with no one to talk to.

Yeahhhh I find i've lost my blogging flowwww....
So i shall disappear now and read my law book and hope to be just a little less inadequate. :P

Wheee bye~!

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Creating a new blog cos i'm starting a new chapter of my life ^^
Aka Post-As!!!

Ok As aren't really over for me yet..
Stupid H3...
But anyway I'm starting many of my Post-As resolutions now already,
so i'll just start this one too! (:

I shall post my new blog address later xD

Thursday, October 3, 2013

i once read this book (harlan coben), and it started with the protagonist talking about how it just takes a moment to change your life.
Yeah, that's what i'm feeling now.
Except this "moment" is gonna stretch out over the next... 5 months?
And the whole time, I'm gonna have to live with the anxious knot in my chest. :(
It's so obvious what i'm talking about, of cuz.


I'm filling out my UCAS form now, and obviously i'm freaking out, which is why i'm here. :P
When i get stressed out most of the time, i just kinda compartmentalize all the crap going on in my brain, and tell myself to, as nike so often tells us, JUST DO IT.
don't think about what can be, don't think about what i want to be, just work like a horse and move forwards.
Like that horse in .. animal farm? Is it that book? Idk i forgot. :(
Hesitation kills.
Freaking out to the degree i am now is probably gonna throw me straight into hell.

How can i possibly compartmentalize the crap going on in my head when i am so excruciatingly aware that everything i type into that application form is going to change my life?
Maybe 'change' is the wrong word.
But i have no better word :P
"Determine" isn't suitable cos i'm never the type to believe that one's future is set in stone simply because of the schools we attend.

Regardless of what comes out of my application (i get in, don't get in, or i get into this school or some other school or dk what happen),
my life is now in that moment, where everything is going to change, and i can't see what's coming.

[I realise my flow of thought has become incoherent, and that my issue is changing from "omg applications... freakign heck..." to "no no no i dowanna grow up".
Stress short-circuits my brain.]

I think this is a side-effect that being in Raffles has had on me.
For 6 years now, life has been relatively predictable, and has fairly fulfilled my expectations.
And so now that the control over my future is slipping from my hand,
Of course, i doubt everyone suffers from this.
Lucky. :(

It's 2.05 pm and i have yet to start on my personal statement and i'm epicly screwed.

So i guess i have to stop procrastinating and start facing up to what i have to do -
hunker down, pray really hard, and work to exert whatever minute influence i have over the world around me,
and hope that i will like what i see at the end of the tunnel.

Or maybe, i should hope that whatever i see at the end of the tunnel, i will have the strength to accept?

Sunday, August 4, 2013

As i posted on my twitter... Man, this feels like a really bad break up.
At first i was just completely devastated, and all I wanted to do was to find Kitty back.

But now, one week later, and after hearing news from different neighbours that they'd seen Kitty sleeping, playing, eating near my house (more than 10 m away though)..
I'm alternating between anger and desperation.
Why aren't you coming back!? 
I feel like I'm so close but so far too.

Half of the time i'm thinking, "well if you don't want to come home although you clearly can.. Then fine, since you evidently know how to take care of yourself."
The other half of the time it's: "just a few more steps now, the possibilities are narrowed down now. I know she hasn't been whisked away to jurong by some random truck or anything, I know she hasn't been killed, I know she's still hanging around in the area. I just need to work a little harder now, and I will have her back."

I can't work much harder anymore though...
I've been going out night, after night, after night, walkign aimlessly, meowing aimlessly, praying to God to please let me find her. I couldn't study for the first few days, I just kept going out to search for her.
Me and weizhang sat on the pavement for 4 full hours, just waiting for her to reappear where she had been seen just 40 minutes before we went out and our neighbours told us so...
What. the. heck.

What is it going to take?! 

My prelims are 3 weeks away. 
I want to have her back and I want to hug her and kiss her and feed her and sleep with her again.
But if she doesn't want to come back, what can i do??!?

And then what if she actually seriously can't figure out which house is mine?
[apparently, my neighbours saw her follow me (lagging behind by about 5-10 min) all the way to my row of houses, but she didn't follow me all the way to my own house, obviously]
Am I being irresponsible by 'giving up' at this point, now that I know she may actually have been trying to come home?

What should i do?

I'm really tired...
Both physically and mentally...
I prayed, and I prayed, and I prayed,
but still no kitty.
Maybe this is God's plan for me. That I don't have a cat.

God... please... please?
Really.. really... please...
Just bring her back to me?


Like i said,

bad break up.

"and if our God is for us, then who can ever stop us?
and if our God is with us, then what can stand against?"

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Lord I need You

For those of you who dont know... my cat is missing.. :(
I really miss her... I dont know if she's safe, if she's well fed if she's hurt... worse, I dont know if she is alive...
I'm really, really scared right now.

I know that worrying and imagining the negative possibilities is completely useless and unproductive activity but I just cant help it.
If u lost someone u loved... would u be able fo stop from worrying?

I love her :( I've only had less than 2 weeks with her but j really love her.
No, I dont love her more than my 2 dogs - I love them just as much.
But she's a baby.. she's too young to be on her own.. she's too young to take care of herself...
I really hope she is safe somewhere.. my heart breaks a little whenever I imagine her cowering somewhere dark.. scared.. I pray that wherever she is, she is free from fear and hunger.

Omg God please dont do this to me..
I just lost my sunny.. and now I lose my cat??
My heart cannot bear this much sadness.
I cant stay happy for even 5 minutes cos my thoughts just keep going back to her.
My parents are telling me to let go and let her find her way back herself... but how can I let go, how can I be anything but doggedly persistent in my search for her when doing anything less tears at me on the inside?
I've wanted a kitten since 12, and finally, FINALLY k got my mum to agree to keeping my kitten.... and now she's gone??
This is too cruel.
I cant just let go of her.

I slept with her for a few nights in a row, I kissed her goodnight every night, I played with her whenever I took a break from studying, I washed her whenever she pooped/peed and she soiled herself, I gave her food whenever she meowed for it...
I love her so much.. I dont just want a kitten I want my kitten. I want my baby back home, safe...
She always came running to me whenever I came home. Always. She didnt even do that to everyone in the family, but she always did it to me...
So why wont she run back to me now?

Where did she go?
Will she come back?
Is she able to come back? Can she find her way back?

Lord... I need You.
I am doing everything I can but it is simply not enough.
I need You Lord, only You can bring her back to ms.
If u hear me Lord.. please.. God... bring her back to me...

I have a 100% faith in you, in your plan.
Whatever happens in the end.. thank You for giving me these 2 weeks with her.
Please let this not be the end of that.